This article first appeared on Golfshake.com in Jul 2015.
WE ALL play golf because we enjoy it – at least we hope that’s the reason. And we play with like-minded people whose company we enjoy.
Well, that’s the theory at any rate. But then we realize that these same individuals, and the others you play with, actually have some pretty irritating habits.
We wonder if any of the following sound familiar……
The coin jangler
You have lined up your putt and you are settling over the ball when you suddenly hear the sound of loose change being jangled. Yup, it’s Bill. You know it’s Bill because he does it every time you get ready to putt when you are not on his side – which means he does it deliberately. You stop and look up. “Sorry Derek,” he says. Another sign that he knows precisely what he is doing.
The guys who likes to gain an inch
Or how about this one? As you get to the green, you notice that one of the guys in your group has marked his ball by putting his coin on the hole-side. He cleans it and replaces the ball with the coin behind the ball. OK, you think, I am going to give him that one. Then you notice him doing the same thing on the next green, and the next, and the next. He has gained about one inch. It is nothing, but it IS cheating.
The guy who is desperate to get a read
Two of you are on the green on an almost identical line to the hole. Almost inevitably, your ball is the one that is furthest away. You line it up, stand over the ball and, out of the corner of your eye, you are aware that the other bloke is standing right behind you, right behind the line of the putt. You look up at him and he briefly moves away, but the moment you get over the ball again, there he is, right behind you once more.
And how many of you have played against the guy who says something along the following lines: “Out of bounds on the right there, Derek. But that won’t affect you because you never slice the ball.” Without fail, you put the ball on the tee, address it, notice the out of bounds for the first time in your life, and….you slice it out of bounds. He smirks, walks up to the tee with an iron in his hand and knocks it straight down the middle.
You are playing in a competition and find yourself paired with somebody you have never met before. “Hi, I’m Derek. What’s your handicap?” “24.” He then proceeds to drill his opening drive straight down the middle of the first hole and sets off on a run of par, par, par, birdie, par, par, bogey… You come off the final green and he has recorded 47 stableford points and has the cheek to turn round and say: “I don’t know where that came from. That’s the best round of golf I have ever played.” Yeah, right, of course it is!
The guy who never loses his ball
Have any of you ever come across the golfer who never, ever loses a ball? I have. I don’t want to embarrass him so I won’t name him. But let’s say for the sake of argument that his name was David. No matter where his ball finished in the rough, it would always be found. And it would always be found by him. The final straw came one day when we were searching and heard him say: “Found it!” at precisely the same moment that another member of our group discovered where his ball had really finished. “What about this one then, David? It’s got your initials on it.” He didn’t even flinch. “That must be one I lost last week.”
Still at work, always on the phone
Then there is the guy in your group who tells you how delighted he is to have escaped work for the day. Only he hasn’t done any such thing because he is on his mobile phone for most of the round. And when he is not making or receiving calls, he is receiving a text at the precise moment you start your backswing.
The guy who is always last to the bar
Or what about the man who always hangs back when you finish your 18 holes? He takes longer than anybody else to put his equipment in the car, he takes longer than anybody else to answer the call of nature and wash his hands. And he ALWAYS walks into the bar after somebody else has ordered the drinks. When it comes to his turn, he ALWAYS says that he has to go home to see to the dog, cat, wife, shopping.
The most annoying golfer of them all……
The one that annoys me the most is the guy who comes into the clubhouse and talks you through his round, shot by shot. Even though you have just spent four hours in his company watching him play those said shots. You ignore him, your eyes glaze over, you start talking to somebody else, but nothing can stop him. On and on he goes. And then he moves to somebody else’s table and starts to tell them too.